Evening Hosts Lampoon Trump's Latest 'Gold Card' Immigration Scheme

TV's top hosts devoted the evening criticizing President Donald Trump's just announced immigration initiative, dubbed the "gold card," portraying it as a clear pay-for-access scheme for the affluent.

Stephen Colbert's Sarcastic Spin

Starting his broadcast, Stephen Colbert offered a satirical Christmas song about the commander-in-chief. "He's making a list, reviewing it twice, then handing that list to the people at ICE," he crooned. "The President ... destroys everything he touches."

The focus was the new program that enables foreign nationals to acquire U.S. residency for a sum of $1 million dollars, or "top-tier" option for $5 million. A government website pledges approval "faster than ever."

"One thought here to rich applicants: before you fork over the cash, have you considered Canada?" Colbert joked.

He explained that the card is also designed to "extract cash" from companies wanting to hire skilled workers, requiring significant costs. "That's a lot of fees, though if you enroll, you also get a complimentary stay at a property of your choice – as long as it's the Tampa Marriott Bonvoy," he said.

"Unprecedented background check the government has ever done," stated Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to verify these applicants completely qualify to be in America."

"That's important, you gotta prove you're suitable to be an American," Colbert responded. "First question: how many hamburgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Scathing Commentary

On his late-night program, Jimmy Kimmel labeled the initiative the "U.S. Access Express Card."

"This is a card that will let affluent foreigners to live here," he said. "In exchange for a million bucks, you get official visitor status, you get a road to citizenship, and a president's pardon for one serious crime of your choice."

"It might be time to revise that message on the Statue of Liberty – forget about your huddled masses. Hand over a million bucks, you're in!" he added.

Kimmel lampooned the lack of detail of the application, observing it is "tougher to start a Wordle account." He said that Trump "sees citizenship is something you can sell, like a timeshare."

"Exactly, the finest people are the rich people," Kimmel joked. "It's what Jesus always said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you give the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers discussing Grocery Issues

Meanwhile, Seth Meyers turned to Trump's slipping poll numbers amid financial anxiety. "Voters gave Donald Trump a second term because they were upset about the economy," he said.

This week, in a bid to address cost of living, Trump held a press conference in front of a display of food items, where he reacted peculiarly to boxes of cereal.

"What a nice job, I think I'm going to take a few of them back to my home and have a lot of fun," Trump stated. "Such as the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a long time."

"He's so fucking weird," Meyers reacted. "Like, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What's the plan with those Cheerios?"

Meyers wrapped up by mocking right-leaning news defenses of Trump's financial record. "Perhaps rather than complaining, you should give him a shiny trophy like the one FIFA did," he remarked.